Common Behavior Traps and How Parents Should Respond
Wouldn’t it be nice if your child came with an instruction manual? Something goes wrong, you look it up in your handy dandy manual, and there’s your answer for fixing the situation. If only it was that easy!
While it’s not an instruction manual, what we do have are decades of scientific study and findings on human behavior, and what we’ve learned over the years can be a great help to parents, especially those with children with ASD (autism spectrum disorder).
One of the things we’ve learned from studying behavior is that there are common behavior traps parents can easily fall into when responding to unwanted or challenging behavior from their child. We call them traps because parents think they’re responding in a good way, when their reactions could do more harm than good.
What we want to avoid is responding in ways that reinforce a child’s unwanted behavior. If a child ultimately gets what they want after behaving in inappropriate ways, they are learning that behaving inappropriately is the way to get what they want. Instead, the goal should be replacing unwanted behaviors with more appropriate ones – ABA therapy can help with this!
Have you experienced these behavior traps?
Here are a few common behavior traps parents can fall prey to and what you can do to meet your child’s needs, while reducing unwanted behaviors in the future.
• Escalating Behavior
This is when your child wants something and won’t take no for an answer. Their behavior intensifies to wear you down until they get what they want.
You can give in and let them have what they just to make the behavior stop, because you’re tired, frustrated, or embarrassed because you’re out in public.
But, when you give in, you’re teaching your child that when they want something in the future, all they have to do is act out – louder, longer, and bigger – and voilà, they get whatever it is they want.
As hard as it is, it’s better to stay strong and not give in. As soon as your child shows signs of calming down, be sure to praise that more positive behavior.
• Ignoring You
This is when you’ve asked your child to do something, and they don’t do it or do something else. They act like they haven’t heard you even when you’ve told them more than once what you want them to do.
This situation can bring out escalating responses from parents. Not unlike escalating behavior of kids. Each time you repeat yourself, you get louder, and more upset as your frustration grows and your patience wears thin.
When that happens, you’re teaching your child they only have to do what they’re told when you become really angry, and that’s not good for you or your child.
Instead of getting angry, let your child know there will be consequences if they don’t do what they’re told. When they eventually do what they’re told, praise them even if it took awhile to get there.
• Making Excuses
This is when parents think that unwanted behavior from their child is ok, because they believe their child will grow out of it or it’s just a phase or yada, yada, yada.
Children do learn as they grow, but they need parents and others to teach them. If no one intervenes when they behave in inappropriate ways, testing what’s possible, they’re not given opportunities to learn what is acceptable and what isn’t.
It’s best to set limits for your child, show them what appropriate behaviors look like, and praise them when they act in ways that are good for them and others.
Plan ahead to avoid behavior traps
Behavior traps can be hard to avoid because they can happen at any time, forcing you to manage the situation on the spot without the benefit of thinking through a response. However, there are a few things you can do that can help reduce the impact of common behavior traps, and even save you from them.
- Reinforce positive behavior ahead of time. If you’re going to the grocery store, for example, tell your child they can have something they’d like (toy, snack, extra time to do a fun activity, etc.) at the end of the trip if they avoid unwanted behaviors.
- Spell out your expectations and stick to them. Inconsistency with rules you’ve established with your child gives them wiggle room to break them.
- Don’t draw out giving in to your child. If you’re going to give in, do it fast. The idea here is that if you give in after a long period of unwanted behavior, your child will hold out even longer the next time. Giving in quickly gives you a better chance at being successful the next time when you stick to your guns.
- Avoid making rules on the fly if you can’t follow through. When you don’t follow through, rules that aren’t enforced shows your child that rules that are spoken don’t have to be followed because there won’t be any consequences.
Knowing why behaviors occur is key!
In the science of ABA therapy – the gold standard in autism care – we’ve defined and categorized the reasons behind behaviors. We call them functions of behavior, and all behaviors fall into four categories. When we know why a behavior is occurring, we can work with a child to decrease unwanted behaviors and increase behaviors that we want them to repeat again and again and again.
Here’s a look at the four functions of behavior, along with strategies parents can use with their child when unwanted behaviors occur.
#1: The ACCESS Function of Behavior
This is when children want access to some thing or activity. Unwanted behaviors can happen when a child is denied what they want access to.
Instead of saying “No.” or “Stop.” to your child, using more positive language can help de-escalate the situation, like “Not this time.” or “Not now.”
You can also use an “If/Then” approach to prevent a behavior trap. It works like this: If your child does whatever you say now, they can have what they want later.
#2: The ATTENTION Function of Behavior
This is when your child wants attention from you or others. Unwanted behaviors can happen when they are denied the attention they want or the attention is delayed.
Instead of reinforcing the unwanted behavior by giving them the attention they seek, you should show your child the appropriate way to get someone’s attention. Tell them what you expect, and when they try and succeed in the appropriate behavior, praise them for their efforts so they learn how to behave appropriately when they want attention.
#3: The ESCAPE Function of Behavior
This is when your child wants to get out of doing something, like homework or chores. Unwanted behaviors can occur when they react or don’t react when they’re told to do something.
To avoid your own frustration when your child doesn’t do as you tell them, calmly remind them of what you expect them to do every 10 seconds of so, pointing or gesturing towards what you want them to do. If you can, move the child or thing you want them to do closer to them. When your child makes a move in the right direction, even if small, praise them for doing what you say.
Another strategy is to ask your child to do something simple that they are likely to do. Praise them when they do it, and then go back to original thing they don’t want to do, when they are feeling good about themselves and are more likely to do it at that point.
#4: The SENSORY Function of Behavior
This is when your child wants to satisfy a sensory need. Unwanted behaviors in this category are often the result of overstimulation. In these situations, parents should reduce the sensory input that is triggering their child to behave inappropriately. Triggers can be things like noise, lights, textures, movement, scents, and unfamiliar foods.
If you have any questions about behavior traps or are concerned about your child’s behavioral development, please reach out to our autism and ABA therapy experts for support. We help families across North Texas and their children reach their full potential. Children with autism as young as two can benefit from our highly accredited services.
Get started on a brighter future full of positive behaviors today!